• Miss Marianna

Break Down: The Break Down

Last night I had a tough time sleeping. I had to consciously take responsibility to not overthink and over feel. The mind does not like to be bored, if we aren’t careful it will take unhealthy adventures to stay active. 


It is our duty to be disciplined and create mental and emotional exercises to over come this. No one else can do THAT part for us. 


I’m here to share but I am also transparent about what I am working on, for some reason you surrender to the work more— when I reveal mines. 


So this is what I did:


I worried a for awhile, it began to fester into mental and emotional stress. I worried about my personal life and all y’all. Although I wanted to shit and sit in my worries, after a few hours I realized it was an opportunity.

 

So these are the steps I took:


I took a deep breath.


I screamed at the top of my lungs one long huge shout. In that shout was all my aggression, my pain and everyone’s else’s suffrage that I constantly witness. All the shit that I perceived to be wrong, bad or unfair drained out in that shout. 


I allowed myself to cry, but not too long. If I cry too long; I wallow and blame. That shit gets way too destructive. So I timed myself and allowed the tears to flow for 10 more minutes. 

After that, I felt a release. 


I just needed to acknowledge the mucky stuff that built up. Sometimes folks just can’t and don’t understand our frustration. It’s ok though. I am a person, and I can acknowledge my own feelings and do the work. 


Trying to project my feelings onto those I love is selfish and never amounts to anything good. 

I want to learn how to give myself time and energy to deal, so that I am only dependent on others when I really need it— not cause I’m choosing to be mentally weak. 


Once I released the moments of resentment I also had to forgive myself for my attempts to overreact and create drama for attention. This includes the negative self talk for not doing something correctly. 

I was able to calm down and the negative feelings subsided. 


I began to focus on what I AM and what I am grateful for, as opposed to searching what is or will go wrong. 


I remembered who the fuck I really am. The feeling is a feeling— it doesn’t have to highjack my whole being. It doesn’t have to go downhill. It doesn’t have power over me more than I do... I chose my higher self. And just like that, I saw how ugly it is to choose to feel that way. 


I leaned into my tools, simple tools that were exactly what I needed and within reach. BUT it was my job to actually apply them and believe in them. 


I sprayed down in lavender. 


I played Simply Beautiful by AL Green. It has this mesmerizing effect on me, but it’s a very deep reminder that I have to love myself a certain way to give and receive an abundance of it. It reminded me of the power of the way I can choose love myself, that I am simply beautiful just as I am, even in a moment of frustration. 


I was able to be open hearted enough to turn to guided meditation. 

I listened. 

I chose not think about anything negative. 

I chose to feel sacred and holy. 

I chose to remind myself that I am a waking miracle when I focus this way. 

I took deep breaths. 

I eventually fell asleep. 

I slept good.

 

I took responsibility to distract my mind from personal and worldly pain. For we can’t fix it all overnight. 

I could have run to a vice and stayed in victim mode, but that shit is played out and tiresome.

Many of us fall in love with our vices and justify it as cool, but still fucked up after we engage in the temporary feel good.

 

I want to overcome not pretend. 

I am sharing this with you to take the pressure off both of us....

To remind you that even those who teach can actively continue to learn. It keeps us humble and worthy to do the work we do, especially when we practice it ourselves. 

To allow you to witness my process and to not feel I have to separate myself into perfection simply because I am in a teaching position.

 

I believe that the more I practice what I preach- the more I become a master of myself. 

We all experience things that can make us grow weary and uncertain. 

We all experience stress y’all.

No matter how educated and spiritual. It’s a part of life. 

We all experience mental and emotional strain at some point. 


My goal is to learn how to respond to it, not just for everyone else but for myself first. 

I’m a very powerful person and I have destroyed a lot of relationships and opportunities based off of not learning how to respond in a healthy way. 


We all have the power to work harder at strengthening muscles that may be weak. 

Let’s face it, this world doesn’t exactly teach us this stuff in school. 

So these are areas we can all work on. 


I hope this helps someone today. 


Someone who may be taking power over the patterns that feed into anxiety and depression. 

The work I do everyday comes with witnessing ALOT of the communities undocumented pain. 

I am here for all of it. 


What I offer are tools. I am not above stopping in my tracks and being responsible to be mature and apply the tools my damn self. And it’s not my job to pretend I don’t need the tools I share. 

Keep this in mind when you admire or look up to someone. You may see the outcome but you never know what the person is going through.

 

You never know the hard work it takes for a champion to stand in excellence. 

I am learning to validate myself and my goal is to honor myself through doing the deep work in moments of stress. 


We fail sometimes but that’s all a part of the work out. 

Keep doing the mental and emotional health work outs. 

Get stronger. 

I’m proud of myself. 

I am learning more and more. 


I will continue to share my processes with you- it is my goal to be a healthier daughter, sister, mother and one day wife. 


It is my goal to make my dreams come true and also use it to usher good for the world. 

So if this shit applies to you in any way. I thank you for witnessing and welcome you to share it. 

There are little things that we can do all by ourselves to keep healthy. 


I know why the creator keeps blessing me, cause I am learning to love myself.... and that’s how I continue blessing you.


I love you. 


Always,

Marianna 

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